a grey story

 If you know me, at all, I am often restless. I enjoy my fair share of relaxing days, but if I am not busy working or creating something then I get very anxious very quickly. And lately, well perhaps not just lately, I have become restless with my work and I always tell myself, try something out of your comfort zone, and more often than not, I sink back into what is familiar. But this time, I actually took my own advice and created a story entirely opposite of my every day style. Cameron is someone I have grown to trust as he allows me to experiment (plus he put's up with my diminishing attention span and the fact that I put him in girl's clothing sometimes). And for this story, I dug out the flash that came on my canon ae-1 program and attached it to my mark ii, prayed that it would not explode or break my camera, and shot these images. They are extremely different than anything I have done, and I enjoy them for that reason.

For Saints Magazine V1

Model: Cameron Phan @ Clutts Agency

Styling + Grooming: Me

twenty

Today I turn 20 and it has been nearly 5 years since I began taking photographs.

In all honesty, it doesn't feel like I'm turning a whole year older but maybe it's because I still feel young. Or maybe, I'm just in denial. But this one marks a bit of a mile stone for me (other than simply the obvious of not being a teenager anymore.) I can look back over the past 20 years and say, with quite some confidence, that I have made it further than I have ever imagined and I'm proud of myself for once. And I see no harm in that. I always have these absurd expectations of myself and though I have fulfilled some, I haven't even scratched the surface of most of them. Now, fair warning, this post is image heavy, but it will mainly outline the last 5 years of my life as I feel like those have been my most significant and since my 5 year photography "anniversary" happens in November, I figured why not tie in everything together. Plus, I can't find any of the pictures of myself growing up because my parents have them tucked away somewhere.

[I did find these so I can't forget the obligatory photos of me as child]

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Now, I consider this point in my life to be my rebirth (2008). I don't remember much before this time really, not before my 365. I remember choosing to start taking photos because I had been criticized for my lack of emotion and empathy during my youth and I felt I had to prove something to my peers. And creating images from thoughts in my head felt like a wonderful way to show people that I wasn't an emotionless bag of bones. My peers made me feel abnormal, unaccepted and at that point in my life, in almost everyone's life, I felt the need to conform or "fit in". However, I find this odd because I don't think I ever did conform, but I ended up proving to myself that maybe I really was worth something. And here I am, almost 5 years later, turning 20 years old and feeling even more confident than ever that I am on the right track.

2008/2009

2010

clara!

 

 

2011

 

 

 

2012

 

 
(oh ya then this random thing happened where I photographed Neon Trees)

nyc in instax photos ooh ~

2013